Kiana, At the beginning, you were sprinting down a hallway, and then you forced yourself to sit up. I assume you fell down, but you may want to make this more clear at the beginning. It seems odd that he is so attractive, but you’ve never really noticed him before. There are some mechanical issues: You change tense, incomplete sentences, word choice, etc. When someone speaks, you must begin a new paragraph. Overall, you use many excellent descriptive words. I can definitely view a picture in my head when I read your writing (but be careful with the mechanics of your writing, because errors ruin the flow when reading). 22/25
Kiana,
ReplyDeleteAt the beginning, you were sprinting down a hallway, and then you forced yourself to sit up. I assume you fell down, but you may want to make this more clear at the beginning.
It seems odd that he is so attractive, but you’ve never really noticed him before.
There are some mechanical issues: You change tense, incomplete sentences, word choice, etc.
When someone speaks, you must begin a new paragraph.
Overall, you use many excellent descriptive words. I can definitely view a picture in my head when I read your writing (but be careful with the mechanics of your writing, because errors ruin the flow when reading).
22/25
Again I'll mention "descriptive" and "view". Check you spelling.
ReplyDelete